


In Hindsight it was Quite Cruel

by thistlememories



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Ambiguous Relationships, Childhood Friends, Confessions, Internalized Homophobia, Kinda, M/M, Pining, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-15
Updated: 2021-01-15
Packaged: 2021-03-12 21:02:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,715
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28766760
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thistlememories/pseuds/thistlememories
Summary: Growing up is hard and it is made harder when you're in love with your best friend. After confessing his feelings to Iwaizumi, Oikawa gets thoroughly rejected. Will Oikawa and Iwaizumi be able to continue their friendship despite the awkward air between them? And will Iwaizumi come to regret his decision? As seasons change and time passes follow these boys grappling with consequences of coming to age in a hostile yet beautiful world.
Relationships: Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru
Comments: 1
Kudos: 3





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello ! This is the story I drafted in lockdown and I am just now getting around to editing it. I crave feedback on this baby because it's one of the only things I'm working atm. I have all but the last chapter drafted and 4 chapters edited, so hopefully y'all get to see the ending soon!!  
> !

Chapter I

Novembers were always bleak, a bleached and wilted month. Oikawa sat in his plush bed, attempting to out run both the chill in the air and his dread for the morning coming. Fore he was a boy left alone yearning, his pride lay by the wayside. He was indubitably and completely in love with his best friend. And tomorrow morning he was going to make an irreversible mistake. In hindsight it was quite cruel.  
The morning sunlight crested the bouquet of assorted roof tops. There was no running. He stretched, relaxing his muscles, taught from slumber. Wincing at the ice cold hardwood, Oikawa swayed to the bathroom. Moments after he turned on the shower a warm smokescreen of steam filled the bathroom. He attempted to wash his doubt. Today he took extra care doing his hair, he feathered it slightly. His clothes were also more tidy than usual. He looked at himself in the mirror.  
“What am I doing?” his fingers tussling his bangs into submission.  
He hopped down the stairs to the beat of his heart, sufficive to say he reached his destination unbelievably quick.  
“You’re in a rush hunny,” his mom said with her signature smile.  
“Yeah, well todays a big day,” he said.  
“Oh really? Why’s that?”  
“I’m gonna ruin everything”  
“What?” her face contorted ever so slightly.  
“Please don’t worry” He packed his school bag.  
“You can’t ask me to do that”  
“I- well… just- I’ll tell you about it later”  
“When everything is already ruined?”  
“Yeah, but this is a good kinda ruined”  
“...Alright, I’ll take your word for it. But call me if you need me”  
“Will do mama!” Oikawa slipped out of the kitchen.  
A soft and delicate sigh escaped from his mother's frowning lips, “Good luck”

Oikawa stepped in to the morning, he could feel the sun through his coat, despite the icy autumn weather. Today, he was going to be okay. With rapid shaky steps he walked the same familiar path as he always had and soon Oikawa reached Iwaizumi’s house. He knocked, Iwaizumi was as attentive as ever, opening the door no more than five seconds after the initial knock. 

“Good morning Iwa-chan!”  
“Morning” Iwaizumi turned his head and yelled into the house, “Bye, I’m heading out.”

The walk to school often tended to be uneventful. They would chat a little, but they were happy in comfortable silence. But today it wasn’t comfortable.

“Hey Iwaizumi…” he hesitated briefly, “Can we talk?”  
“Yeah?”  
“Okay” Oikawa took a deep breath and took a moment to take in his surroundings.

They were in front of the park by the bridge. They rarely played there when they were children, it was just a little too far away. By now the sun had taken its place in the sky and brightness had woken everyone up. Vague buzzing of morning busyness filled the street. It was time. Oikawa closed his eyes.

“I like you, I really like you” silence briefly fell, an awkward and stressful silence. Iwaizumi tried to break the silence.  
“I- um… Oikawa. I can’t, I don’t”  
“I know, it’s okay” It looked like Oikawa might cry despite the courtesy smile he had painted on his face, “I get it, I just wanted you to know”  
“Yeah, okay” Iwaizumi couldn’t even look at Oikawa in the face.  
“Are we cool?”  
“Totally”  
“Cool... we should hurry up, we’re going to be late”

They weren’t the type to make things weird, but they would be lying if they said nothing was different. Practice was fine, Oikawa’s serves were extra brutal and Iwaizumi ran his laps like a dog. But it seemed like they were coping. Class was also fine, they didn’t shy away from one another. Iwaizumi’s eyes; usually glued to Oikawa as to not miss his theatrical gestures, stared through the floor, offering Oikawa less than a glance.

The day was long, Iwaizumi wouldn’t yell at Oikawa or call him mean names. Oikawa, likewise, didn’t excessively pester anyone. To many this was a welcome change of pace, even if the peacefulness was a little eerie. Eventually the bell did ring. 

“Hey! Wait up Iwaizumi, there's no after school practice today, remember?”  
“Oh yeah”  
“Me and the guys wanna do something fun…”  
“Oh that’s cool”  
“Do you wanna do something fun?”  
“Not particularly, I’m just gonna go home… I have some school stuff to do”  
“Alright. See you in the morning, I guess”  
“Kay, don’t be late tomorrow”  
“Wasn’t planning on it”


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter II

It was about five by the time Oikawa got home, his mom was just finishing up cooking supper.  
“Welcome home hunny, can you set the table?” His mom decided against asking about his day for now.  
“Yeah”  
Two places were set, the food was delicately plated, and music played softly form the other room. Oikawa stared at the painting of a ship that hung on the wall adjacent to him rather than eating.  
“You should eat”  
“I’m not sure I can”  
“So you did it?”  
“I ruined everything”  
“Do you regret it?”  
He paused, which he was not one to do, “I don’t know. Maybe?”  
“Did you do the right thing?”  
“Yeah, I think so”  
“Well if you you think you did the right thing then you didn’t ruin anything”  
“Mom…”  
“Yes?”  
“How do you get over a heartbreak?”  
“Listen, you’re not going to want to hear this, but you’re going to feel really small for a long time” She looked down thoughtfully, “And you might just have to cry about it. And that’s fine, I guess. But one day you will be okay, you’ll still feel small sometimes but ultimately you’ll be okay. Because you’ll be loved” she looked at her son like his was the only thing in the universe.  
“But what if he hates me? What if I lose my best friend?”  
Her face contorted with tender sympathy, she stood and made her way to him, “I don’t think he knows how to hate you” she took her son’s hand and stroked his hair. He began to cry.

Iwaizumi’s family made a point of eating together whenever they could. Fore, they were supermly busy people and there were minimal hours to be a nuclear family. If nothing else they had, those few dinners.  
“How was school Hajime?” His mom asked.  
“It was good, I got my math quiz back and I only got one wrong”  
“That's great champ” His dad said  
“I’m so very proud of you son”  
“Thanks,” The room soured as the conversation slowed.  
Believe it or not math grades were the last thing on his mind, “A boy confessed to me today,” He let it slip out, regretting it immediately. Ice, the room was ice.  
“Oh…” His mother said through a clenched jaw and a frown.  
“I- I said no, of course. I’m not like that…”  
His father sighed like he had been holding his breath for hours, “That’s good”  
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Iwazumi looked like he was about to get hit by a train.  
“Well, it’s not like I have a problem with those type of people but I don’t want you to be like them”  
Iwazumi’s breath hitched.  
“Now hunny, that’s-” Iwazumi’s mother tried to interrupt  
“Come on dear, if our son was like that what would we tell the neighbors?” Iwazumi was a powder keg and his parents were a forest fire, he had to get out of there.  
“Uh may I be excused?”  
“Alright”  
“I’m gonna go for a walk for a bit too”  
“Okay sweetie, don’t be out for too long”  
“I won’t” 

Iwaizumi couldn’t put his shoes on fast enough. He jogged out the door and when he was met with the street his jog became a run. After a while his lungs felt so big that there was not nearly enough air the whole universe for him to properly breathe. He wasn’t going to cry, he was going to run. He didn’t go too far, he knew where he was. He was near the park where this fucked up situation began.

“Fuck.”

Don’t think about it, don’t Think about it, don’t Think about it. He repeated to himself over and over again. He hunted for a distraction like it was an elusive fox in the woods and he was the world’s most desperate bloodhound. And there it was, the fox, a convenience store. He wandered the aisles packed with chips and candy, with their technicolour crinkly wrappers. He picked out a strawberry soda and paid.

By the time he left the store the last of the day smashed into the start of night. It was twilight, the sky was perfectly purple. The stars like freckles and clouds like cotton. How could anyone see this and feel anything other than awe, Iwaizumi thought. So why did he feel like his blood was made of fire ants? 

His feet felt like cement and his ribs ached as he began to walk in the direction of home. Home was an ugly thought, he couldn’t go home but he couldn’t go anywhere else. He missed Oikawa, Oikawa was one of those people who just got it. He didn’t have to say a word and Oikawa would do the right thing everytime. It was a talent, truly. 

And of course, there he was. Standing on the roof outside his window. He was wearing pajamas, very cutesy pajamas at that and his face, even from afar, looked red and puffy. Iwaizumi pushed that to the back of his mind.

“Oi! Shittykawa!”  
“Hey Iwa-chan”  
“What the hell are you doing up there?”  
Oikawa shrugged, “I guess I’m looking at the sky, what about you? You look… tired”  
I could say the same about you, Iwazumi thought but he just rolled his eyes,“You dumbass, what does it look like? I went to the store”  
“I can see that, but- uhg. Iwa-chan are you okay?”  
“Yeah, probably”  
“Probably?”  
“Me and my parents had a fight, I think”  
“Shit… do you wanna talk about it? Come on up”  
“No, I’m good” Iwaizumi looked towards his house and then back at Oikawa, “Listen Trashykawa, soon…”  
“Soon?”  
“You should come over and stay the night, soon. My parents won’t be home for a few days at the end of the month...” Iwaizumi wasn't looking at Oikawa by the last part.  
“I’m not sure I can do that for you Iwa-chan” Oikawa muddled his words the way he always did when he was really surprised, Iwaizumi noted.  
“Please?” It was rare that Iwazumi tried to make plans and he begs now of all times? In hindsight it was quite cruel.  
Oikawa stared at him, “Okay, I’ll be there”  
“Thanks, bye”  
“Yeah, see ya”


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter III

The days after the rooftop rendezvous were extraordinarily better. Better meaning normal. Iwaizumi made eye contact with Oikawa and Oikawa ate in the classroom more instead of with the girls that liked to swarm him. 

“Hey! Iwa-chan, did you bring lunch today?”  
“No”  
“Me too, wanna go to the cafeteria with me?”  
“Sure, whatever”

As they waited in line, Oikawa’s chatter was relentless. He bounced from topic to topic, with little regard for natural transitions.

“Oh!” Oikawa clapped, “Y’know my nephew?”  
“Takeru?”   
“That’s the one!” Oikawa tapped his nose, “I’m helping out with his Volleyball Club next weekend. Wanna come?”  
“What’s the age bracket?”  
“It’s six to ten, I think”  
“Wow, a bunch of snot nosed babies throwing balls around a gym, sounds like a blast”  
“Iwa-chaaaan! It will be a blast,” Oikawa wined, “All you have do is wear Seijoh colours and be nice to kids”  
“I’ll pass”  
“But it’ll make their day!”  
“It’ll make your day,” Iwaizumi rolled his eyes as a smile formed.  
“Maybe it will!” Oikawa crossed his arms, “Look, remember when we were little and we saw that high school team at the train station?”  
“No..?”  
“Well, I do. This one dude, he looked so tall and he saw that we had a volleyball. He turned to his teammates and he said, guess what he said!”  
“I don’t know, what did he say?”  
“Guess!”  
“Uh… he said ‘These kids are going to be the next best players’? Or something corny like that”  
“Nope, he said ‘Look at those shrimps, if you’re not careful, coach might send you to their league’ and they all laughed” Oikawa erratically waved his hands, “You were so mad, I had to hold you back. But when we got home we went and practiced for hours, until you hit your first spike”  
“Fine, Shittykawa I’ll do it”  
“Yay! Wanna eat on the roof?”  
“Sure”

It was one of those October days that felt like summer more than fall. The sky was blue with a small smattering of wispy clouds. The two boys sat on the rather quiet roof trading almost awkward glances. Things were still strained, this was the first time in two weeks they were alone together. When the bell finally rang, Oikawa dusted the crumbs of his pants and hummed.  
“I have to return a CD to Matsukawa after class” Oikawa stretched, “I’ll meet you at the front gates”  
“Alright, see ya then”

The rest of the day was a textbook hazy Friday afternoon and Iwazumi could not be more grateful for it. Oikawa and Iwazumi met up at the front gates as promised and they began the walk home, stopping to pick up snacks and the new copy of Jump at the store. Once in Iwazumi’s room Oikawa collapsed on the floor with a blegared sigh.

“I’m so tired! The week is too long, modeling for the art club was surprisingly hard and right after I pumped up all the school’s balls”  
“Quit whining dumbass, it's your fault for insisting on being Mr. Overachiever. You don’t need to help everyone who asks”  
“I have a brand I need maintain, besides it’s kinda fun sometimes”  
“Know what’s fun all the time?”  
“What?”  
“Borderlands 2, grab the controllers from over there” Iwazumi pointed with his chin.

They played video games until they got hungry and ordered pizza. They had both made themselves very comfortable, comics splayed on the floor where Oikawa lay on a pillow and Iwaizumi in cozy clothes on his bed staring at the mindless sitcom that played on his TV. But soon enough night fell and the question of sleeping arrangements became relevant. 

“If you want I can sleep on the floor, I don’t mind!” Oikawa said with a shaky pep that he had been sporting for the past few weeks.  
“You’re not sleeping in the floor”  
“It’s fine, I know it’s weird”  
“It’s not, you have always slept in my bed”  
“Sure, but if you’re uncomfortable I get it. I’m not mad, promise”  
“I’m not mad either, just sleep in my bed. I don’t wanna make you a floor bed, idiot” In hindsight it was quite cruel.  
“I- uh, okay”

They shared Iwaizumi’s twin size bed that he has had since he was eleven. It creaked like an old cat crying for smelly wet food. Oikawa had always liked the creaking, he thought it was funny that it was noisy and Iwaizumi wasn’t. They lay back to back, they were curled into balls, small as children. The uncomfortable silence fell once more. Oikawa couldn’t let this keep ruining his favourite person.

“Hey, would you mind if we go back to being best friends? I know I scared you and I’m sorry, but I miss you” Oikawa didn’t really expect a reply. He assumed the Iwaizumi would pretend to be asleep.  
“I miss you too, I miss you so much it hurts”

And only for a second, Oikawa and his whole world froze. He was so busy missing Iwaizumi that he forgot that Iwaizumi could miss him too. He rolled over. Iwaizumi’s room was dark and the only light it had was borrowed from the street lamps outside. But the glow was enough for them to make eye contact. The world was spinning, the axis had been restored. He let this feeling fill him up and then he let it overflow. He wanted to say something and he definitely had a lot of ‘somethings’ to say, but it was back. The comfort was back. And he wanted to savour it for a bit longer.


End file.
